I’m the fattest I have ever been in my entire life. I’m hovering around 280. That’s just 20 pounds away from 300, and nearly 50% of fat on my 5-feet-five-inch frame. I feel every pound of it too. I honestly do not know what to do. I’ve been chubby and shamed for it my whole life. I’ve lost weight, dropped down to 140, my body seemed to feel and respond better to 160, and I was able to keep it to a REASONABLE weight (under 200 pounds for me) for several years.
Although the fluctuations were a bit hard to deal with, it is nothing compared to where I am now – nearly immobile because of excruciating low back pain, short-windedness, and fatigue. I literally feel like I’m sloshing around in heavy molasses coated with a thin layer of cement. I’m on pain medication, high-blood pressure medication, heart medication, and anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication. All of this still didn’t stop me from polishing off a four-piece Church’s chicken box, two biscuit, and two apple pies.
WHAT THE FUCK?
My years of therapy have taught me that I can’t blame everything on my mother and menopause, so what the hell do I DO?
I don’t have physical energy. It hurts to stand for very long to shower. I now have a shower chair. It takes so much out of me just to get dressed. I guess I should give myself some grace that my body is not used to this much weight on its joints. My muscles are getting the exercise needed to support it and burn the fat. I can intellectualize this. This is starting to scare me. I’m 55. I do NOT have time to waste and try to figure this shit out.
I have an appointment with an acupuncturist next Monday and a nutritionist on Wednesday. I’m more nervous about the nutritionist. I have been on diets my whole life and I ain’t feeling some restrictive eating plan. Even though I’m doing hormone replacement therapy, this menopause territory is new and challenging to navigate. I’m sure my cortisol levels are out of this world. I understand how the body works and that eating more plants is best.
I just don’t know how to eat.
That sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Food and the Black community have a troubled relationship and it’s all based on scarcity and comfort. That’s how I see it anyway. Eating disorders are not discussed in our community. My binge-eating (and sometimes purging and starving) cycle began when I was a little girl and it’s the only way I know how to eat. If I do start to eat “healthy” (I absolutely HATE THAT TERM), in the back of my mind, it’s only temporary – like that’s not the real version of myself. How do I change that?
I am not open to any of the weight-loss shots, pills, powders, shakes, pre-packaged foods, etc. I just want to learn how to take care of myself and love myself enough to get excited about being kind and loving towards myself. I’ve done so much damage myself over the years and now it’s showing up in my medical records and pharmacy list.
I ask the Creator to match me with an intuitive nutritionist/coach who will assist me with showing love and kindness towards myself through healing my relationship with food and my body. I want to stick around for a long time. There is so much I want to with my life and success is truly around the corner. I want to step into my life wholeheartedly without this shame and guilt. It no longer serves me. I deserve good things, good health, and happiness.